When many people think of elementary school teachers, they think of bubbly, happy, kind women. Though I am kind, I am by no means bubbly and sometimes I'm not even happy. There are days that I wonder if I am cut out for this. I have always wanted to badly to become a teacher, but my goal was high school students with mental disabilities. Elementary school students with no disability is a whole different world.
At this point, you may be wondering why I'm attending school to become an elementary school teacher if it isn't what I want. Well the answer is that I was forced to change my major. I suffer from major depressive disorder, OCD, and crippling anxiety. Before this year, when I would get too depressed or stressed I would shut down. I wouldn't leave my room for the most part and I would sleep my life away. Because of this, I failed two classes, one class two times and the other three. These classes are necessary in the major I was in. Despite my depression, I wasn't allowed to retake these courses. Without them however, I couldn't complete my degree, even though I was just two semesters away from graduation. The only way I could continue on the path to getting any teaching degree was to change to elementary education.
Changing my degree to a whole different program was a shock. Not only am I dealing with a different set of students, but I've been set back a whole year. Since I was so close to graduating, most of the advisers or other EKU staff who are supposed to help me have no idea what to do with me. It has been a struggle even to get classes scheduled...I'm three weeks into this semester and I'm still not sure if this is my final schedule. I'm in a constant cycle of emails and meetings.
Even though this has been a hectic change and sometimes I don't know if it is right, especially since I don't fit into the "typical" elementary school teacher mold, I'm continuing with it. I will graduate with my degree in elementary education. I will become an elementary teacher and then get my masters in special education. One day I will get my dream teaching job. How do I know this for sure? I don't. What I do know is that I've acknowledged I have a problem. I'm getting help. I'm becoming a better person and working through my problems to make sure that what happened to me never does again.
I've become a strong advocate for mental health. Just because something is happening in someone's head, just because other people can't see what is going on inside someone else, doesn't mean it isn't real. Sometimes it can be worse than a sickness you can see. It isn't something to be ashamed of. No one should ever be afraid to tell someone, to get help, to not let it rule your life. I let it rule my life, ruin my life, destroy my dream.
I have a new dream. I will accomplish it. I will reach my goals and I will do this with no hesitation to ask for help when I need it. I will continue to have a psychiatrist, I will continue group therapy, I will stay on a regimen of medicine and relaxation techniques, and I will always recognize the importance of everyone's mental health.
Maybe this is how I will be the best elementary teacher I can be. I can be the teacher my students know they can come to for any feelings they are having and I will always help.
Wow, you've written with such purpose and power here. I admire your willingness to tell the truth, your insistence on doing so, and the perspective that you've gained over the past couple of years. That perspective, of course, will help you as you become a teacher and do your masters, and as you consider your career options in the years to come. You are showing real determination, not just in writing about what's going on with you, but in dealing with it directly and knowing that's the only way it can be dealt with. More power to you!
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